Instead of trying to imagine all the possible reasons Jay might be withdrawing, propelling herself into emotional turmoil. She can simply (with the intention of following through with this) state that “I understand that you may be upset, and I am concerned about what that is. Unfortunately, unless you tell me what the problem is, I will not know. I respect that you may not want to talk about it now, so, when you are ready to talk, I am here to listen.”
By saying:
- “I understand that you may be upset” – Tori is acknowledging that there may be a problem.
- “I am concerned about what that is” – she communicates her expectation of wanting to know what the problem may be.
- “Unfortunately, unless you tell me what the problem is, I will not know” – Tori identifies her expectation of and the importance of communicating.
- “I respect that you may not want to talk about it now” – she is acknowledging her partner’s boundary of not wanting to speak.
- “when you are ready to talk, I am here to listen” – Tori states her expectation of hearing from her partner what the problem is, and lets them know she is waiting, and gives them the space to approach her when they are ready.
- Most importantly – “leave it alone” – this boundary is “identifying and accepting the fact that Tori is in control of only herself, and must make decisions accordingly”.
Now this is one great way to share expectations and set and share boundaries, however, the key to moving forward in a healthy fashion, is the willingness to accept that others choose whether or not they would like to meet our expectations, so we must be willing to move on and let go of the matter at hand.
