As I sat there in the social room, occasionally glancing out the window at the passing cars, admiring my reflection in the mirror, and completing an assignment from a writing course, I realized who I truly was, and fell in love.
I shocked myself with the beauty buried deep inside. The beauty I had neglected to acknowledge for years. It came pouring out of me as if a pipe had burst.
No more will I hide the truth, I’ve become an enemy to myself and refuse to stand in my way any longer. I must be accountable for the actions that have led me here and make decisions from here onwards that will take me where I want to be.
Through digging deep and being honest with myself I recognized that I’d been fighting against myself the entire time. I’ve been resisting who I truly am, searching this world to find me when, she was always here, right inside of me.
I’ve always been aware of some things I liked or disliked, and at times I knew exactly why, but then there were the times that of course as we all do, I would lie to or make excuses for myself. But “this time it was different”.
But why?
As a child, I won awards for writing and shared my stories on television. I was always excited to write but began doubting myself when writing became more challenging. I was always happy to do the research required to complete an essay or presentation to share with everyone, but then we transitioned to creative writing! A dreadful thought of not having anything or knowing what to share filled my mind. I couldn’t get past it. But Why?
At 5 years old my daughter said with such concern “Mommy, I don’t think I have an imagination”
“Why not?” I asked. Hmm, no answer.
She said this because she tried her hardest to think of things to draw, but nothing came to mind. Could this be because at 5 years old she has yet to live, her life experience consisted of cute educational TV programs, cuddles and kisses from mom, her favorite books and foods, the alphabet, numbers, colors, and her favorite, the playground! What could my baby possibly have in her imagination? Too bad at the time she was unaware that she had so much to share, and all she needed was to let go of any limitations she had placed on herself.
Is this the way I was thinking at 15? Did I disregard all the experience I had gained up to that point, which resulted in my intense lack of belief in myself and my abilities?
Hmm…
For many years I avoided writing for a few reasons, but it all came down to two things. Fear and doubt.
Fear
When writing about topics that required research and my opinion I felt confident in myself and my abilities to translate someone else’s work. This does not require me to do the hard work of accessing a deeper level of creativity within me. I didn’t need to come up with new ideas when I could easily use what was already available from others. Why should I expand my knowledge when what I know now is serving quite well?
This way of thinking crippled me, depending on others’ ideas led to me ignoring myself and my ideas which led to me doubting myself. At one point I began rebelling against teachers when they provided constructive criticism. I even rebelled against reading “Shakespeare”. Fast forward a few years later, I found myself encouraging an acquaintance studying Shakespeare to pay attention because what they will learn from him and his writings is valuable.
I was fearful that I wasn’t good enough, and gravitated toward activities and careers that required none or not much thought at all. Further limiting myself, driving myself further into the pit of fear while unlocking more unnecessary challenges in life for myself.
Doubt
When I attempted to write creatively, my efforts were lackluster. When the teachers asked for one page, I ensured I wrote just enough to fill that one page, nothing more. I rarely allowed myself to relax when engaged in creative writing which led to my undesirable results. What I truly desired was to be great at writing, after all, it was something I loved and felt proud of myself for doing when I tried my best. But I had given up on my goals, my dreams, and my ambitions. “I had given up on myself”.
Giving up on myself has led to years of shame and regrets. A major delay in reaching my full potential, expressing myself, and just “being me”.
I’ve denied myself the freedom to do what I love, which would have led to me learning and understanding myself much sooner while learning about the people and world around me. I told myself I wasn’t good enough when all I needed was encouragement. “I abandoned me” when I needed me the most.
But now I’ve discovered that I will never leave me, I am always here for me, all I need is self-love.
Remember, say yes more often to yourself for everything that helps you grow, and know that encouragement goes a long way, not only for others but for yourself.